At least to somewhere

I have been thinking, am I invisible? Or am I just shit that doesn't need to be paid attention unless you happen to feel bad?

I'm feeling like shit right now. I have had this feeling for... pretty much always? It just resurfaces from time to time before sinking again. And every time, it's pure hell.

I have never had many friends. I was teased in elementary school so I didn't have any there. I got at least some by the time I was in junior high and high school.... But in the end, it always comes back to this.

I seem to be the only one who keeps my own relationships alive. If I stop communicating with my "friends" they stop speaking to me altogether. Why? What is WRONG with me that no one talks to me? Why am I always home? Why won't ever anyone ask if they could spend time with me?

I feel like I'm begging for money when I beg my friends to be with me. They don't call and ask how I am. They don't call and ask if I want to go for a walk (for example). They don't speak to me at all.

WHY?!

This is something I probably won't ever understand. But I'd really like to know, what I am to my friends since I'm not worth of their time.

Friendship isn't all on me. You have to do something for it too.

I'm tired. I'm tired of ALWAYS keeping my relationships alive. So now, I won't. You won't talk to me? Great. I won't talk to you. Watch me disappear from people's minds.

Because that's all I'm good for apparently.